sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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