I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
