Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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