no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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