It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
