the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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