If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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