So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
