Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
