my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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