i don't like sucking hair
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You ate ashes out of my bong
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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