My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
