i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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