I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
