Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
