I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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