Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
