I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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