Just fell off a train. Bad.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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