tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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