Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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