Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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