the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
