why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
