i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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