Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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