guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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