So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
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I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
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is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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