Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
