i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
