I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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