dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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