Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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