I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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