look no pants
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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