my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
