You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
