glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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