Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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