someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
