How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
