You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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