Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
