i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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