Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
