whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
grandma shit on top of the toilet
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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