phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
