I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
