How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
