i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
