tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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