There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
