Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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