Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You may now shotgun with the bride
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
