My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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