Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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