dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
