At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
