Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
