I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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