oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
