I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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