i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
