They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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