I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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