It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
